The Trembling Triumph: A Memoir
By Kacey Clare Krznaric
I hear the sound of the car door slamming. I am sitting in the driver’s seat but I don’t remember getting in. Before I know it, the engine revs up and I am bowing my head and talking to God. The only sound I hear is the thumping of my own heart- it’s making a raucous. I glance back up to see my parents standing in the doorway and I wave and smile with tears in my eyes. I wipe them with my shirt sleeve as quickly as they form in my eyes. Everything is about to change and I’m not convinced that I’m strong enough to endure whatever lies ahead for me. My palms are sweaty, my mouth is dry, and my ears are ringing but I step on the gas and wave goodbye to everything I ever knew. The parents that created me, the friends that shaped me, and the man that completed me are all becoming tiny dream-like images in my mind as my otherwise lead foot gently- and hesitantly- taps the gas peddle. I am driving away from everything that I knew and heading blindly- and willingly- into what felt like a black hole. In order to understand what lead me to make a decision that seems so debilitating, let me start from the beginning…
I tell him that I love him and I see his mouth moving but no words are coming out. He is gesturing grandly, pacing back and forth, and I think I see tears in his eyes. It doesn’t make me feel anything. I’m tired, I feel hopeless, and I’ve emotional checked out of the conversation- and the relationship. I think he is making promises…again. I’ve heard them all before. I think I might believe him this time but I don’t care anymore. I’ve made up my mind that I’d rather be alone than in a stationary relationship with a man who isn’t willing to commit. I want a husband. I want kids. I want a family and I want to start now. He doesn’t. I am exhausted and feel lethargic but I stand up from the couch, take his hand in mine, and suddenly I can hear his voice again- and my own. “You know what I want. The looming question is are you willing and able to provide that for me? I have been here through thick and thin, stood by your side when you had no one, and I’ve proven my love and devotion to you over and over again. So, are you willing to prove your love and devotion to me now by making a commitment to me, this relationship, and a life together?” He stares blankly at the floor. He isn’t. This is what the breaking point feels like. I can’t feel my legs but I manage to walk calmly and assertively to the door. He doesn’t try to stop me. Surprisingly I made it home in one piece considering my 5 year I’m-certain-this-is-the-one relationship had crumbled. As soon as I hit my front door, I crumbled as well.
Months go by and it feels like years but I’m finally starting to get some strength back. I’ve been going though the motions in my social life but I’ve tried to make some strides. I changed my hair color, I bought some new outfits, I drank a few too many martinis but I was starting to feel a little flicker of life deep within my being. I didn’t feel like myself by any means, but that’s probably because I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror or know who she even was anymore. As I watched the neighbor kids play in the street from my back deck, a light switch went off in my head and for the first time in a long time, I felt a real and very recognizable emotion. It was anger. How could I have let myself fall so deeply into a man’s life that I couldn’t even recognize my own anymore? How could I be so entwined with a man that I couldn’t distinguish where I ended and he began? How could I let a man have enough control to twist my life up so much that I couldn’t even recognize it anymore? A chord has been struck. I’ve lost myself- and I am going to get myself back no matter what it takes. The anger has morphed into sheer determination.
The next few weeks were foundational. I spent hours on the phone with friends and family, hours alone in my own company, and hours weighing pros and cons. At the end of the day, I had made my decision. I was moving to Florida to find myself again, start anew, and turn the only life I was blessed with into what I wanted it to be. No experience, no situation, and especially no man was going to dictate my life anymore. I had new direction; I was the author now and I had plans to write a beautiful story.
It all happened so fast and he we are again. I hear the sound of the car door slamming. I am sitting in the driver’s seat but I don’t remember getting in. Before I know it, the engine revs up and I am bowing my head and talking to God. The only sound I hear is the thumping of my own heart- it’s making a raucous. I glance back up to see my parents standing in the doorway and I wave and smile with tears in my eyes. I wipe them with my shirt sleeve as quickly as they form in my eyes. Everything is about to change and I’m not convinced that I’m strong enough to endure whatever lies ahead for me. My palms are sweaty, my mouth is dry, and my ears are ringing but I step on the gas and wave goodbye to everything I ever knew. The parents that created me, the friends that shaped me, and the man that completed me are all becoming tiny dream-like images in my mind as my otherwise lead foot gently- and hesitantly- taps the gas peddle. I am driving away from everything that I knew and heading blindly- and willingly- into what felt like a black hole.
I walk out of the air conditioned house and feeling the hot breeze smack me in the face. I start sweating immediately. I take a deep breath. I hear children laughing, cars zipping by, dogs barking, and water splashing. The air smells different. People look different and talk different. I feel different. I feel naked and exposed but this is what I wanted- what I needed. It was official. I wasn’t in Pittsburgh anymore…
Things always get confusing. I’m loving myself. I’m hating myself. I’m picking myself up only to knock myself back down again. I know who I was but I haven’t a clue. I am being tested, being tempted, being tried. I am feeling strong and I am feeling weak. I question myself. I question others. I write. I read. I live, laugh, and love. I cry sometimes. I start to feel at home and then I’m home sick. I feel self-assured, confident, and happy. I am free. I am a soldier. I feel powerful and independent. I am in control. I disappoint myself. I give myself a break. I try to be quiet and I listen more. I restore, renew, and revamp myself every morning with a cup of coffee and a prayer. I let things go. I accept that I am a work in progress. I dismiss the bad and I embrace the good. I make commitments to myself and I keep them. I am standing perfectly still but I’m walking into my own.
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